03

Today I took three tests I did not study for. For some reason I am nonchalant about how I perform academically, and this is not complacency because of being third in class for the first quarter. God knows I was just as nonchalant before that. Right now, I am not studying for the last three tests I have tomorrow though I should be.

Last week for English class we had to write to either Daedalus or Icarus (Ovid's "Daedalus and Icarus"). Icarus was Daedalus' son. They were locked up in tower in the middle of the sea. Daedalus was a very skilled craftsman, and made wings out of real bird feathers and wax.

"I warn you, Icarus, fly a middle course:
Don't go too low, or water will weigh the wings down;
Don't go too high, or the sun's fire will burn them.
Keep to the middle way. And one more thing,
No fancy steering by star or constellation,
Follow my lead!" That was the flying lesson,

But then:

...... And the boy
Thought This is wonderful! and left his father,
Soared higher, higher, drawn to the vast heaven,
Nearer the sun, and the wax that held the wings
Melted in that fierce heat, and the bare arms
Beat up and down in air, and lacking oarage
Took hold of nothing.
Father! he cried, and Father!
Until the blue sea hushed him,

No cookies for the ones who guessed who I (and probably most of the class) wrote to. It could only be ten sentences long:

Dear Daedalus,

You do not know how much my heart went out to you when I heard about what had happened. I would be lying if I said that I knew what you were going through, but please understand that this will not stop me, or your loved ones, from wanting to be there for you.

The worst thing that you could do is hate yourself. If your son were here right now, I know he would not be angry with you. Let your love for your son resonate within you, let it be known to the rest of the world through your actions. "All work is empty, save for when there is love," as author Khalil Gibran has written. "For work is love made visible."

The world may seem a dull, lifeless place right now, Daedalus, and what you need is closure. Be open to everything; do not hide from happiness. Let it find you. Live the life you have now twice as much, for now you live for Icarus as well.

--------------------

But on the whole, yet, despite this, inspite of everything, I don't know what to do. Illumination only comes through me, but not TO me. I will tell you things and they will mean the world, they will mean everything I am, I would want my words to be arms wrapped around you, I would want them to grab you by the shoulders, shake you and scream for me, I am here! but I myself have yet to be able to be enlightened by my words. It is so much easier to believe in the people you love than it is to believe in yourself.

The past week has been less than fantastic. I have been cruelly reminded of how it is like to be on the verge of tears twenty-four-seven (how accurate! hooray), except now the alien feeling has been replaced with a dull throbbing familiarity, how everything seems to have been sucked dry of whatever it can offer.

As if everything around you is falling short.

Then again that could be but an illusion, and when reality throws you the morning paper it will tell you that you are, in fact, too far ahead/away (circle one, optimist/pessimist) for anything or anyone to reach. You reach out, a little, slightly, shyly, say hello. I'm in a bit of a knot here, could you help me out? (This works best with an English accent. Try it!) But you end up a voice they think they heard.

I think my mind is swaying about college course. I am in trouble

Hopefully it rains soon, Because the heat really does not help and because (cough) misery loves company.

If you have read up to here, tell me how your day has been. How are you? What's your favorite color? Ice cream flavor? Has anything made you smile today? Why does sadness tow with it an ache in the chest area, despite the heart being but a muscle that pumps blood? Why is emptiness such a dominating feeling despite, well, the whole "empty" factor?